To Cut or Not to Cut

Warning: The following you already know

Ever been in a situation when you've had to passaggio del gas but you weren't sure if relieving yourself would result in an embarrassing moment when someone walks by before your nuke could dissipate it's radiation?


I'm here to help you with this simple rule of thumb: The smell can never beat the ventilation. For example, you could drop a Defcon 1 Hiroshima Suzuki Yamato Canon A-Bomb but if you're in an open parking lot with a nice cross breeze you better believe that the chances of collateral damage are slim to none. However, try shooting a simple Defcon 5 Non Bio-Chemical Smart Bomb in an enclosed room and you and your loved ones will surely pay the price.

The test: For your benefit I took this theory and tested it out. I used three different locations with three very different air flows: Walmart, McDonalds, & my Car. To make the test fair i used a controlled gas release of approximately 2-4 seconds with a maximum of 1-2 bursts. After releasing flatulence I inhaled the surrounding gas infused air in intervals of 2 seconds. We will refer to the point of being able to notice gas "Danger" and the point of not being able to notice gas "Safety". Here's what I got. In Walmart with a 3 second double burst it took 2 seconds to enter the danger zone and approximately 30 seconds to reach the point of safety. Not bad, the window for collateral damage was only 28 seconds. Mcdonalds test received similar results with a window of only 20 seconds. With a 2 second single burst it took 4 seconds to enter the danger zone and approximately 24 seconds to reach the point of safety. The last test, my car, proved to a be a challenging test with an enormous window for collateral damage. With a 4 second single burst it took 2 seconds to reach the danger zone and approximately 1 minute to reach the point of safety. That's nearly a minute window! The tests were completed and the conclusion proved the theory to be true.

Conclusion: Don't fart in the car you bastards!!

Some other things to keep in mind. Windows of collateral damage can be reduced by your surrounding temperature and smell. Example: Farting in the seafood section of an Asian market, OK. Farting in a dry sauna, NOT OK. Also, windows of collateral damage can be reduced by actions such as fanning and "crop dusting" which is the passing of flatulence over an area causing the gas to clean air ratio per cubic foot to increase in favor of the clean air.

Until next time: Be mindful of your surrounding and cautious of civilians

Disclaimer, none of the tests actually occurred lol. I am a failed scientist


Willy Bob said...

lol Unique post indeed! What about farting into a seat cushion? =p
Love the layout btw, but it's not just me who sees the cut off. haha Can you just make it closer so that the faces can even come under the blog area?

Mother Russia said...

If you're being serious, farting into a cushion does nothing! lol

J.Frosty said...

nothing lol

Mac OBryan said...

i like the post and i love this layout