Read that first. And watch the video on that page.
If you were too lazy to read, the summary is that a crazy Vietnamese man killed his wife and her family, six in total, all were Vietnamese aged 16-29. Some of them were Huynh Truong at their local church.
To be clear, I'm not doubting my faith, I'm questioning it. It's only through questioning that it can become deeper and stronger. My faith gets examined every time things like this happen. This reminds me of the time that Vietnamese people were on pilgrimage to the annual Marian celebration and the bus crashed and many people were killed. Jesus they were on pilgrimage! Why did it have to happen? That case was worse because in cases of murder like this I can attribute it to the evil that can happen due to free will. The murderer caused it due to the evil in his heart. In other words, I blame the devil.
That's the thing about me, I need to blame someone for events. I can always forgive later but I need to blame someone first. But is it right to blame God? After all, no one is sinless, even those on pilgrimage. But they were TRYING. Saints are sinners who keep trying and never give up. Why would God cut their lives short when they were trying? But anyway, it's not so much about the ones who died, they went to heaven. It's about those that are left behind. It's not fair to them at all. Their lives are broken and they are left to pick up the pieces.
I still want to think that I have control over my life. God demands difficult things from us, and I wish I could be fully trusting, I wish I could turn the other cheek when I receive unfairness. I think I can pinpoint the reason though. I've always try to connect to God through reason, and almost never through love. I can see love of God through my community, but I've never tried to establish that true personal love. I've seen my role models accept whatever happens to them, and pray to accept his will rather than to change his mind. They inspire me. It blows me away because I am totally incapable of that.
Embracing your enemies is one thing, it's doable. But to embrace suffering is something totally different. It involves complete trust, and I am not there yet. The only thing I can do is to pray for faith and for God to give loving grace to those who suffer most.