"Hello, are you there? Is it me you're looking for?!" The lyrics that linger on my mind slowly flow down to the tip of my tongue as I passionately serenade my lovely cousin, Willy Bob. She turns, nervously laughs, and proceeds to step on the fragments of my heart. "How did I fail so miserably?!," I yelled as saliva spewed from my mouth. Was it it the quiet percussion from the clench grip of my buttocks or was showering in a bottle of cologne I purchased from Big Lots not enough?!
Ladies and Gentlemen of B.i.A. University. I hope it's deemed appropriate that I use the pseudonym, Prof. Tonster, for the sake of this 3 lecture seminar. I've authored many Little Saigon best sellers: "My Krazie Exes and the Scars", "I Know You Love Me But I Can't Stop Staring At That Mustache" & "Look Baby, $1 Gets You Bread, Some Cheese, And Meat; Why Do You Keep Crying?" I hope that by sharing my experiences, you too will improve your chances of dating that girl you've been staring at a distance and talking to your friends as if you had a real chance but you never talked to her in the first place. So to begin part one of this three part lecture: "Man Up & Give Some Effort"
Don't stick out your hand and expect something great in return. If you want to be a great basketball player, you can't expect to pick up a ball and proclaim yourself the best. Once you're on the court, you'd be a laughingstock. So instead, practice, practice, practice. It's not ALL about the game. It's also about how well you condition to develop your game. What kind of conditioning am I talking about? It's upkeep. Here's a checklist:
Bodywash: Colognes don't make you smell good. It just masks what smells bad. So shower regularly & use a nice bodywash. There are definitely some funky smelling body-washes out there so beware. If in doubt, bring a friend girl to the store for a 2nd opinion. If it works, stick with it. Girls do love the smell of sweat on a man (note: testosterone). Unless you're out gunning other guys in physical activity or naturally sweating from wrestling that girl of your dreams (Randy Orton's RKO!), hit the showers!
Cologne: FYI, girls are sensitive to smells especially cologne. So don't shower in it! What I do? Light spray on a chest & back of the neck. Small dabs on the wrists. It WILL matter what kind you buy. So if in doubt, ask other girls. Every girl I know have a cologne scent they LOVE smelling on a guy. I wear primarily "Aqua di Gio." But stay away from it. It's mine! Go Polo Blue or something! Gah!
Unwanted Growth: What do I mean by this? A couple things! A guy's fingernails and toenails shouldn't be longer than any girl's. So trim them! Even that particular nail you intentional keep long on your pinky for certain tasks. Willy Bob hates that, I guarantee! Also, be on the lookout for long nose hair and the terrible unibrow. Be considerate! She might shave her mustache and/or armpit hair just for us guys. Return the favor! Just because the girl is attentive to you when you're talking does not mean she's interested. She's just looking for the elves in the mystical forest that is blooming from your nose! Tee Hee!
Clothes: Of course be yourself and embrace your individuality. Can you think of a time when you saw a heavyset girl stretching a baby shirt to it's limit and watching the jellyrolls desperately attempting to hold it's shape while she tramples by?! Remember subconsciously thinking to youself about how much better life would be if she wore a shirt that actually fits? Girls, likewise, think of us guys in a similar manner. Regardless of what you wear, ensure it fits and compliments your build. My rule is: The more formal the attire, the more form fitting it should be. A baggy suit doesn't make you gangsta; it makes you look like a child in a hand-me-down! Taste in clothes is an acquired skill so let's just focus on the fundamentals first. But two words to remember: Color coordination!
- Eat with your mouth closed; Breath from you nose and chew with a closed mouth. Your sophistication will increase at least by 100%! 10,000 years of human development and you still chew like the steak that's on your plate. Tsk Tsk!
- Three things that should be in your pocket at all times when out: Chapstick, breath mints/gum, & some confidence!
- Listen to what your closest friend girls have to say! They are girls after all. Perspective from a girl is invaluable. Thus, make use of the information accordingly.
That's all for today's lecture! Keep these things in mind and you're on your way my friend! Preview of what's next in Part 2: "Do I Fight The Backpack Or Do I Wait Until She's Alone?" In my next blog, I will discuss about how to mentally prep yourself before approaching her!
Today's homework: Agree or disagree? Is there anything you would like to add on? I'm interested in your opinions! Feel free to comment people!
Signed "Look At Your Boyfriend, Now Look At Me!" - Tonster